Washington, DC, May 12, 2020 --  

The global pandemic has provided the ultimate fodder for those who know what's best.

Since before the dawn of civilization, mankind has been protected  by a benevolent savior in its midst.   This savior is known as the do-gooder.  A do-gooder is a special human who is blessed with an ability that the rest of us just don't have -- the do-gooder always knows exactly what's good for the rest of us.  

If only we'd listen!

Unfortunately, man has always had a nasty habit of ignoring the sage advice of the do-gooders, rebelling against them and falling back into vice.  Prohibition was eventually repealed. Scientific socialism was overthrown. Smoking ultimately returned as vaping.

Under normal circumstances, the do-gooder merely serves to help us make our lives better by doing the right thing.  Say no to drugs.  Give up the demon liquor.  Wear your seatbelt.  Pay your taxes.  Stay away from sugar.   Reduce your carbon footprint.  Go to church on Sunday.  Save yourself for marriage.  Don't touch yourself down there!

But now, faced with a horrible virus that has killed tens of thousands of people around the world, listening to the do-gooders is no longer just for our own good.  It's now a matter of life and death.  

Stay home.  Wear a mask.  Stay off the beach.  Don't go to the park.  Don't touch anybody anywhere!

What better time for these people to spread their wings and preach the gospel of virtue than during a life threatening global pandemic?  Tired old saws like freedom and individualism are finally crushed.  The virus respects no boundaries!  We are all in this together! Any one who doesn't comply is a threat to the rest of us!

And this is a perfect opportunity for do-gooders to get us to comply -- we are all locked in our houses.  Under normal circumstances, the wicked among us would head out to the bars and stop listening. But  now we're stuck with nowhere to go -- the wicked can't get away.

What a miraculous time!

Make no mistake:  for all the recent progress of do-gooderism, evil still lurks amongst mankind.  There are murmurs that do-gooders aren't always right.  Some claim the do-gooders once told us not to wear masks.  Some say that sitting on a beach or in a park ten feet apart might be safe.  Some dare to suggest that those recovered from the virus might have immunity.

Heresy!

Don't worry -- the do-gooders will do everything they can to crush this evil dissent.  Even if their overreach risks sparking a disastrous revolt against sensible precautions, even if science says they are wrong, the pious orthodoxy of the do-gooder must not be challenged.

This time really is different. Unlike during prohibition, when do-gooderism was last at its peak, nearly everyone accepts that we have a problem today. Even the evil among us almost universally agree that this crisis risks the lives of millions.  But the evil among us refuse to accept that only do-gooders know what's best for the rest of us. It's high time to stay focussed, hunker down, and cleanse our fellow man of his wicked ways.